Near Bozeman, MT--
The Scallion has emerged from his doomsday bunker in rural Montana upon calculating that the Obama presidency is nearing completion.
"I'd been watching a lot of Fox News in 2009 and knew that Commie Muslim was going to destroy America," said the not-so-famous blogger, "so I went underground. I've been living on guinea pig meat and hydroponic corn and potatoes for the last eight years with my wife Ethel and our six children. I'm sure Obama lost in the 2012 election or that true patriots finally overthrew the federal government, but I didn't want to risk it until I was sure it was nearly over. There were times in, I guess, 2014 where I thought Jeremiah's farts (he's our third boy) were going to kill us all down there...we almost didn't make it. But I'm back and ready to report all of the serious news that the lame-stream media doesn't want you to hear. Who did get elected president: Jeb, right?"
When informed that Donald Trump was the president-elect, The Scallion responded, "Not of that stupid TV show you idiot; of the United States! Who would believe that!? Have you seen the way he did business on The Apprentice? But that show has to have been off the air for years now. Between that and his real business track record, what sort of morons would think he could lead a colony of ants out of a paper bag with a line of molasses, let alone the USA? I mean, even if he was running against Hillary Clinton, there is no way he could win!"
When showed several newspapers for the last year, The Scallion squatted down, wrapping his arms around his knees, and sobbed silently for ten minutes while rocking slowly.
Then he stood, wiped the tears from his face and said, "OK, then...back to work."
