Near Bozeman, MT--
The Scallion has emerged from his doomsday bunker in rural Montana upon calculating that the Obama presidency is nearing completion.
"I'd been watching a lot of Fox News in 2009 and knew that Commie Muslim was going to destroy America," said the not-so-famous blogger, "so I went underground. I've been living on guinea pig meat and hydroponic corn and potatoes for the last eight years with my wife Ethel and our six children. I'm sure Obama lost in the 2012 election or that true patriots finally overthrew the federal government, but I didn't want to risk it until I was sure it was nearly over. There were times in, I guess, 2014 where I thought Jeremiah's farts (he's our third boy) were going to kill us all down there...we almost didn't make it. But I'm back and ready to report all of the serious news that the lame-stream media doesn't want you to hear. Who did get elected president: Jeb, right?"
When informed that Donald Trump was the president-elect, The Scallion responded, "Not of that stupid TV show you idiot; of the United States! Who would believe that!? Have you seen the way he did business on The Apprentice? But that show has to have been off the air for years now. Between that and his real business track record, what sort of morons would think he could lead a colony of ants out of a paper bag with a line of molasses, let alone the USA? I mean, even if he was running against Hillary Clinton, there is no way he could win!"
When showed several newspapers for the last year, The Scallion squatted down, wrapping his arms around his knees, and sobbed silently for ten minutes while rocking slowly.
Then he stood, wiped the tears from his face and said, "OK, then...back to work."
Tuesday, January 10, 2017
Thursday, September 10, 2009
MTV To Issue Kajagoogoo: Rock Band
New York, NY--
MTV Games today announced that they will be releasing another "special edition" of their popular Rock Band game focusing on the music of British pop group Kajagoogoo.
Scott Guthrie, Executive Vice President and General Manager of MTV Games, announced the upcoming game today with members of the band.
"We've all loved Kajagoogoo since they released 'Too Shy' in 1983," Guthrie said, "And while I can't think of another one of their songs, they are a legendary band that deserves its own game."
Guthrie was asked if Kajagoogoo was a band of the same magitude as Aerosmith, Metallica, The Beatles, and Van Halen, the only other bands to have special editions of the two dominant music-based games, Rock Band and Guitar Hero.
"Didn't you see VH1's 'Bands Reunited' episode on them?" Guthrie countered. "Limahl was adorable in 1983 and still is! Their importance has nothing to do with chart singles, records sold, or influence on other artists. It's all about the hair and that great synth-pop sound."
MTV Games today announced that they will be releasing another "special edition" of their popular Rock Band game focusing on the music of British pop group Kajagoogoo.
Scott Guthrie, Executive Vice President and General Manager of MTV Games, announced the upcoming game today with members of the band.
"We've all loved Kajagoogoo since they released 'Too Shy' in 1983," Guthrie said, "And while I can't think of another one of their songs, they are a legendary band that deserves its own game."
Guthrie was asked if Kajagoogoo was a band of the same magitude as Aerosmith, Metallica, The Beatles, and Van Halen, the only other bands to have special editions of the two dominant music-based games, Rock Band and Guitar Hero.
"Didn't you see VH1's 'Bands Reunited' episode on them?" Guthrie countered. "Limahl was adorable in 1983 and still is! Their importance has nothing to do with chart singles, records sold, or influence on other artists. It's all about the hair and that great synth-pop sound."
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Rep. Wilson Calls Clemson Fan a Liar
Columbia, SC--
A local Clemson University football fan said that Rep. Addison (Joe) Wilson (R-SC) called him a liar when he said Clemson had a better football team than the University of South Carolina.
Bobby Joe Roberts was tailgating outside of Memorial Stadium last November with his friends when Rep. Wilson walked by.
"We were hootin' at all of the Cocks walking by, sayin' things like 'Clemson's number one' and 'We're gonna kick some ass today'," said Mr. Roberts, "when this red faced guy with overly coiffed hair walks up to me and sticks his finger in my chest and screams, 'You lie!'
"I said, 'Dude, we hold a 64-37-4 lead in the series, we've won all but two games since 1997, and Johnny Freakin' Heisman coached for us. We kick your butt all over the football field!' And then I high-fived Jimmy Ray.
"He just poked me again and shouted 'You lie' and then stormed off."
Rep. Wilson is a 1972 Graduate of the University of South Carolina School of Law. In addition to the Clemson dust-up, he has called Rep. Bob Filner (D-CA) "viscerally anti-American" but claimed that he did not intend to insult Mr. Filner.
A local Clemson University football fan said that Rep. Addison (Joe) Wilson (R-SC) called him a liar when he said Clemson had a better football team than the University of South Carolina.
Bobby Joe Roberts was tailgating outside of Memorial Stadium last November with his friends when Rep. Wilson walked by.
"We were hootin' at all of the Cocks walking by, sayin' things like 'Clemson's number one' and 'We're gonna kick some ass today'," said Mr. Roberts, "when this red faced guy with overly coiffed hair walks up to me and sticks his finger in my chest and screams, 'You lie!'
"I said, 'Dude, we hold a 64-37-4 lead in the series, we've won all but two games since 1997, and Johnny Freakin' Heisman coached for us. We kick your butt all over the football field!' And then I high-fived Jimmy Ray.
"He just poked me again and shouted 'You lie' and then stormed off."
Rep. Wilson is a 1972 Graduate of the University of South Carolina School of Law. In addition to the Clemson dust-up, he has called Rep. Bob Filner (D-CA) "viscerally anti-American" but claimed that he did not intend to insult Mr. Filner.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Parents Keep Children Home From Socialist Schools
Missoula, MT--
A group of enraged parents have decided to keep their children home from school until the government "gets out of the education business."
Mark Scheffler, a local insurance agent and spokesperson for the group said, "We were going to keep our kids home today because of the socialist messages Obama was going to give in his back-to-school speech. Then we realized that the entire public school system was a socialist conspiracy. What makes the government think it knows anything about education? It sure has failed us miserably!"
Dr. Alex Apostle, Superintendent of Missoula County Public Schools said, "The United States has a long and proud history of public education. Many scientific advances in the 20th Century came from American public higher-education institutions and nearly 90% of all American children receive their education at a public school. This is hardly a grand socialist conspiracy!"
In rebuttal, Mr. Scheffler said, "We know the idea of public education was championed by that Red Frenchy Napoleon. And if by 'science' he is referring to that hooey about evolution and stem cells, he can keep it! We all know what the Bible says and it has all of the answers you'll ever need. Except about life insurance: I'm your man for that."
A group of enraged parents have decided to keep their children home from school until the government "gets out of the education business."
Mark Scheffler, a local insurance agent and spokesperson for the group said, "We were going to keep our kids home today because of the socialist messages Obama was going to give in his back-to-school speech. Then we realized that the entire public school system was a socialist conspiracy. What makes the government think it knows anything about education? It sure has failed us miserably!"
Dr. Alex Apostle, Superintendent of Missoula County Public Schools said, "The United States has a long and proud history of public education. Many scientific advances in the 20th Century came from American public higher-education institutions and nearly 90% of all American children receive their education at a public school. This is hardly a grand socialist conspiracy!"
In rebuttal, Mr. Scheffler said, "We know the idea of public education was championed by that Red Frenchy Napoleon. And if by 'science' he is referring to that hooey about evolution and stem cells, he can keep it! We all know what the Bible says and it has all of the answers you'll ever need. Except about life insurance: I'm your man for that."
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Sarah Palin Wants to Be On Wolf Death Panel
Anchorage, AK--
Former Governor Sarah Palin (R-AK) today said that if the government was keen on setting up death panels in the health care reform legislation, she would volunteer for those that involved shooting wolves from helicopters.
"What can I say; I like shooting animals from helicopters," she said.
Ms. Palin has been a major proponent of the idea that the health care reform legislation in Congress would create death panels that would have the power to terminate health care to those deemed too sick.
"While I would never kill your grandma, I am all about shooting things! It really doesn't matter what it is, I just want to pump it full of lead. I can understand why Vice President Cheney shot that guy in the face. Can you imagine the rush he must have felt? Woo hoo!"
When asked to comment on Ms. Palin's reference to him, former Vice President Cheney merely issued an evil chuckle and returned to waterboarding a squirrel.
Former Governor Sarah Palin (R-AK) today said that if the government was keen on setting up death panels in the health care reform legislation, she would volunteer for those that involved shooting wolves from helicopters.
"What can I say; I like shooting animals from helicopters," she said.
Ms. Palin has been a major proponent of the idea that the health care reform legislation in Congress would create death panels that would have the power to terminate health care to those deemed too sick.
"While I would never kill your grandma, I am all about shooting things! It really doesn't matter what it is, I just want to pump it full of lead. I can understand why Vice President Cheney shot that guy in the face. Can you imagine the rush he must have felt? Woo hoo!"
When asked to comment on Ms. Palin's reference to him, former Vice President Cheney merely issued an evil chuckle and returned to waterboarding a squirrel.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Michelle Obama Should Wear Formal, Not Surgical, Gown for Pap Smear Says Republican
Minneapolis, MN--
Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-MN) today criticized First Lady Michelle Obama for not wearing a formal gown to her latest Pap test.
"This is yet another example of the First Lady not knowing the bounds of class and decorum," said Rep. Bachmann. "She showed way too much skin, yet again. Americans need to demand more of their politicians' wives.
"First she had bare arms on the campaign trail, then bare legs while on vacation, and now this! It is absolutely disgusting! Nancy Reagan used to go to her gynocolgical appointments in Bill Blass."
The White House responded that the First Lady was proud of both her country and of her toned body and that she would continue to wear event appropriate attire.
When asked to comment on Rep. Bachmann's comments about class, the spokesperson declined to comment for the record, but off the record suggested we ask MSNBC's Chris Matthews about Ms. Bachmann's record for class.
Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-MN) today criticized First Lady Michelle Obama for not wearing a formal gown to her latest Pap test.
"This is yet another example of the First Lady not knowing the bounds of class and decorum," said Rep. Bachmann. "She showed way too much skin, yet again. Americans need to demand more of their politicians' wives.
"First she had bare arms on the campaign trail, then bare legs while on vacation, and now this! It is absolutely disgusting! Nancy Reagan used to go to her gynocolgical appointments in Bill Blass."
The White House responded that the First Lady was proud of both her country and of her toned body and that she would continue to wear event appropriate attire.
When asked to comment on Rep. Bachmann's comments about class, the spokesperson declined to comment for the record, but off the record suggested we ask MSNBC's Chris Matthews about Ms. Bachmann's record for class.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Man Irate That Escalator to Health Club Out of Order
Salt Lake City, UT--
A Sandy man was removed by police from a local health club today when he attacked workers there because the escalator leading to the club was broken.
Jacob Johnson, 36, repeatedly shouted obscenities and threw pamphlets at the front desk workers when they refused to refund his monthly parking pass when he complained about the escalator not working.
"He kept saying that he was paying thousands of dollars a year for an exclusive club and that we owed him a refund for a broken escalator," Heidi Christiansen, a Total Health & Fitness employee said. "He said, 'Just give me the damn money so I can do my Stairmaster workout and go home.'"
When asked for comment when being taken away, Johnson said, "I have to park a mile away and then have to take the stairs to get in; I don't have time for that crap."
A Sandy man was removed by police from a local health club today when he attacked workers there because the escalator leading to the club was broken.
Jacob Johnson, 36, repeatedly shouted obscenities and threw pamphlets at the front desk workers when they refused to refund his monthly parking pass when he complained about the escalator not working.
"He kept saying that he was paying thousands of dollars a year for an exclusive club and that we owed him a refund for a broken escalator," Heidi Christiansen, a Total Health & Fitness employee said. "He said, 'Just give me the damn money so I can do my Stairmaster workout and go home.'"
When asked for comment when being taken away, Johnson said, "I have to park a mile away and then have to take the stairs to get in; I don't have time for that crap."
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