MTV To Issue Kajagoogoo: Rock Band

New York, NY--

MTV Games today announced that they will be releasing another "special edition" of their popular Rock Band game focusing on the music of British pop group Kajagoogoo.

Scott Guthrie, Executive Vice President and General Manager of MTV Games, announced the upcoming game today with members of the band.

"We've all loved Kajagoogoo since they released 'Too Shy' in 1983," Guthrie said, "And while I can't think of another one of their songs, they are a legendary band that deserves its own game."

Guthrie was asked if Kajagoogoo was a band of the same magitude as Aerosmith, Metallica, The Beatles, and Van Halen, the only other bands to have special editions of the two dominant music-based games, Rock Band and Guitar Hero.

"Didn't you see VH1's 'Bands Reunited' episode on them?" Guthrie countered. "Limahl was adorable in 1983 and still is! Their importance has nothing to do with chart singles, records sold, or influence on other artists. It's all about the hair and that great synth-pop sound."

Rep. Wilson Calls Clemson Fan a Liar

Columbia, SC--

A local Clemson University football fan said that Rep. Addison (Joe) Wilson (R-SC) called him a liar when he said Clemson had a better football team than the University of South Carolina.

Bobby Joe Roberts was tailgating outside of Memorial Stadium last November with his friends when Rep. Wilson walked by.

"We were hootin' at all of the Cocks walking by, sayin' things like 'Clemson's number one' and 'We're gonna kick some ass today'," said Mr. Roberts, "when this red faced guy with overly coiffed hair walks up to me and sticks his finger in my chest and screams, 'You lie!'

"I said, 'Dude, we hold a 64-37-4 lead in the series, we've won all but two games since 1997, and Johnny Freakin' Heisman coached for us. We kick your butt all over the football field!' And then I high-fived Jimmy Ray.

"He just poked me again and shouted 'You lie' and then stormed off."

Rep. Wilson is a 1972 Graduate of the University of South Carolina School of Law. In addition to the Clemson dust-up, he has called Rep. Bob Filner (D-CA) "viscerally anti-American" but claimed that he did not intend to insult Mr. Filner.

Parents Keep Children Home From Socialist Schools

Missoula, MT--

A group of enraged parents have decided to keep their children home from school until the government "gets out of the education business."

Mark Scheffler, a local insurance agent and spokesperson for the group said, "We were going to keep our kids home today because of the socialist messages Obama was going to give in his back-to-school speech. Then we realized that the entire public school system was a socialist conspiracy. What makes the government think it knows anything about education? It sure has failed us miserably!"

Dr. Alex Apostle, Superintendent of Missoula County Public Schools said, "The United States has a long and proud history of public education. Many scientific advances in the 20th Century came from American public higher-education institutions and nearly 90% of all American children receive their education at a public school. This is hardly a grand socialist conspiracy!"

In rebuttal, Mr. Scheffler said, "We know the idea of public education was championed by that Red Frenchy Napoleon. And if by 'science' he is referring to that hooey about evolution and stem cells, he can keep it! We all know what the Bible says and it has all of the answers you'll ever need. Except about life insurance: I'm your man for that."

Sarah Palin Wants to Be On Wolf Death Panel

Anchorage, AK--

Former Governor Sarah Palin (R-AK) today said that if the government was keen on setting up death panels in the health care reform legislation, she would volunteer for those that involved shooting wolves from helicopters.

"What can I say; I like shooting animals from helicopters," she said.

Ms. Palin has been a major proponent of the idea that the health care reform legislation in Congress would create death panels that would have the power to terminate health care to those deemed too sick.

"While I would never kill your grandma, I am all about shooting things! It really doesn't matter what it is, I just want to pump it full of lead. I can understand why Vice President Cheney shot that guy in the face. Can you imagine the rush he must have felt? Woo hoo!"

When asked to comment on Ms. Palin's reference to him, former Vice President Cheney merely issued an evil chuckle and returned to waterboarding a squirrel.

Michelle Obama Should Wear Formal, Not Surgical, Gown for Pap Smear Says Republican

Minneapolis, MN--

Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-MN) today criticized First Lady Michelle Obama for not wearing a formal gown to her latest Pap test.

"This is yet another example of the First Lady not knowing the bounds of class and decorum," said Rep. Bachmann. "She showed way too much skin, yet again. Americans need to demand more of their politicians' wives.

"First she had bare arms on the campaign trail, then bare legs while on vacation, and now this! It is absolutely disgusting! Nancy Reagan used to go to her gynocolgical appointments in Bill Blass."

The White House responded that the First Lady was proud of both her country and of her toned body and that she would continue to wear event appropriate attire.

When asked to comment on Rep. Bachmann's comments about class, the spokesperson declined to comment for the record, but off the record suggested we ask MSNBC's Chris Matthews about Ms. Bachmann's record for class.

Man Irate That Escalator to Health Club Out of Order

Salt Lake City, UT--

A Sandy man was removed by police from a local health club today when he attacked workers there because the escalator leading to the club was broken.

Jacob Johnson, 36, repeatedly shouted obscenities and threw pamphlets at the front desk workers when they refused to refund his monthly parking pass when he complained about the escalator not working.

"He kept saying that he was paying thousands of dollars a year for an exclusive club and that we owed him a refund for a broken escalator," Heidi Christiansen, a Total Health & Fitness employee said. "He said, 'Just give me the damn money so I can do my Stairmaster workout and go home.'"

When asked for comment when being taken away, Johnson said, "I have to park a mile away and then have to take the stairs to get in; I don't have time for that crap."

World Population 7B in 2010; 8B If Octo-mom and Kate Goslin Dating

Washington, DC--

The Population Reference Bureau issued a paper indicating that the world's population will surpass seven billion people in the year 2010.

Carl Haub, co-author of the report, did offer one unofficial caveat. "The number could actually be eight billion if Octo-mom and Kate Goslin get pregnant a couple of times. Those ladies pop 'em out!"

When pressed that the two women would unlikely have one billion children between them, Haub said, "Well, obviously, it's not just the two of them. There's that Duggar lady with eighteen kids already, and her kids are starting to have kids so it is within the realm of mathematical possibility."

Albuquerque Man Wants Sick Care, Not Health Care

Albuquerque, NM--

The vitriol at town hall meetings came to Albuquerque today when local machinist, Trevor White, shouted down Rep. Martin Heinrich at the Armenian Cultural Association.

"You commies are trying to destroy America!" Mr. White yelled at Mr. Heinrich. "You Democrats are always trying to spend my hard earned money on free loaders. You'll end up killing my grandmother with one of your death panels!"

After the meeting, Mr. White said, "We don't need health care reform. Everyone I know can take care of themselves just fine when they have their health. It's when they're sick that they need care! But no one is talking about that are they?"

When asked for clarification about his "death panels" comment, Mr. White said he didn't want a bunch of faceless, nameless government bureaucrats deciding what medical treatments his grandmother could have.

"Nana has enough trouble getting her insurance company to approve all of the medications her doctor prescribes--not that she can afford all of them! We don't need the government getting their noses in it, too. The government has never done anything right!

"Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go get Nana's Social Security check from her box at the post office."

Obama Says G.I. Joe Movie Will Be Basis For New "War on Terror" Strategy

Washington, DC--

President Obama made a major announcement in the American strategy to fight the so-called "War on Terror" saying that he'd seen the new G.I. Joe movie and that the gear and strategy used to fight C.O.B.R.A. were exactly what the U.S. needs to find and defeat Al Qaeda.

"That was some kick-ass stuff!" said Mr. Obama. "If George Bush could base our strategy on a T.V. show, we can definitely do better with a movie."

When asked for comment, former Bush political strategist Karl Rove said, "24 didn't suck, though."

Pujols Hits First Ever Bases-Empty Grand Slam

Pittsburgh, PA--

St. Louis Cardinals first baseman, Albert Pujols, hit baseball's first ever bases-empty grand slam in tonight's 6-4 win against the Pittsburgh Pirates.

"He's just the best in the game; that's all there is to it," said Pirates manager, John Russell.

"We were down by three when he led off the top of the eighth and I told him, 'Just hit it solidly, you can't put us ahead with one swing of the bat,'" said Cardinals manager, Tony LaRussa. "Boy, did he prove me wrong!"

"I just try to help the club any way I can," Pujols said after the game.

"So many people have said he can do anything in baseball," said LaRussa, "I guess he just proved it."

Unemployed Economist Declares Recession Over

Atlanta, GA--


Economist Dale Sveum today said that the recession that has gripped the American economy for over a year is now officially over. Sveum, who had been laid-off from his job at Atlanta Life Financial Group in November said that all of the economic indicators pointed to an end of economic contraction in August.


"We should see our first quarter of economic growth, or at the very least stability, in the next three months thus signalling the end of the recession," said Dr. Sveum at a press conference at the Adamsville-Collier Heights branch of the Atlanta-Fulton Public library.

Dr. Sveum, who received his PhD from Harvard, has had "a lot of time recently" to thoroughly study the economic trends.

"Every day, I walk here form the homeless shelter and read The Wall Street Journal, The Financial Times, and The Economist, as well as use the public access computers to examine the relevant information. That, and apply for jobs. I can unequivocally say the worst is over."


He concluded his remarks saying, "I have copies of my resume here if anyone wants one or knows someone who has an opening."

Paula Abdul Quits American Idol; Joins Sarah Palin in Higher Purpose

Los Angeles, CA—

Paula Abdul announced today that she was leaving the popular American Idol TV show to join former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin in “that higher calling stuff.”

“You know,” said Abdul, “American Idol is important and all that, but I just felt something was missing. And Sarah seems so smart and hot in that naughty-librarian sort of way. I just thought that teaming up with her in whatever she’s doing sounded like so much fun.”

“She was so right about everything in her farewell speech,” Abdul continued, “The media does make stuff up! I mean, like I’d ever hook up with Corey Clark—Eew! And I want to fight for what is right and the truth and stuff like that, too!”

When asked to comment governor Palin said, “That is so cool! She is so my BFF! I am so looking forward to working with someone who is involved with a campaign that received as many or more votes last year than I did.”

After that statement, an aide whispered in her ear and Ms. Palin was heard to respond, “What do you mean she’s not going to be on TV anymore!?”

Fmr. President Clinton Frees Journalists; Looks For Dates

Pyongyang, North Korea—

Former President Clinton today secured the release of two American journalists who had been held by the North Korean government on espionage charges. The journalists, Euna Lee and Laura Ling, had been arrested near the Sino-Korean border while working for Current TV, a company founded by Mr. Clinton’s former vice president, Al Gore.

“I am so glad that I was able to continue to serve these two great American citizens in this way,” Mr. Clinton said at a press conference in Pyongyang.

To secure the journalists release, Mr. Clinton met personally with North Korean leader Kim Jong Il. When asked about the meeting, Mr. Clinton responded, “Everyone told me he was a crazy old coot, but in fact he helped me with both of my goals for this trip. In addition to releasing the journalists, Kim hooked me up with these two freaky-deaky little Korean girls. It is so much harder to get tail when you aren’t the president anymore—easier to get away with, but harder to get. Plus, I had never been with an Asian girl before.”

“Man, did we have fun!” Clinton continued. “They were able to do things that I didn’t even know were possible! Kim can hook me up anyday!”

Iran’s Supreme Leader Endorses Sheep Herder for Presidency

Tehran, Iran—

In a surprise move today, Iran’s Supreme Leader, Ayatollah Ali Khameini, endorsed a sheep herder from Razavi Khorasan province as his choice for the presidency of Iran, reversing his endorsement of current president Ahmadinejad hours earlier.

“Hafiz Omidifar is the man to lead the Islamic Republic of Iran at this critical stage in its history,” said Khameini. “He has no ties to the Western imperialists, has not attempted to foment treason against the state, and does not claim that Imam Mahdi has returned to guide his actions. Plus his wife Shirina’s kabobs are to die for. They are so tender and wonderfully seasoned.” Omidifar then embraced Khameini and kissed his hand as a show of fealty.

Omidifar said, “If the supporters of the Zionists can elect the grandson of a goat herder to lead them, the great Iranian people can be led by an actual sheep herder.” Ahmadinejad was seen pouting in the corner and talking to a sock puppet on his left hand, but did not comment.

Omidifar, who has held no prior political office, did not comment on how his rule might be different than Ahmadinejad’s. The Iranian Parliament still must officially elect the president.

Opposition leaders Mir Hossein Mousavi and Mahdi Karroubi and former presidents Akbar Hashemi Rafsanjani and Mohammad Khatami could not be reached for comment, but the spokesman for the government said they were “together on a business trip” and “likely may not be heard from for some time.”

Obama, Biden, Gates, and Crowley Go Bar-hopping After Summit

Washington, DC—

President Obama, Vice President Biden, Dr. Henry Louis Gates, Jr., and Sgt. James Crowley were seen together in several Georgetown drinking establishments last night after their “Beer Summit” yesterday.

When asked what they were doing, Gates responded, “Bar-hopping, bay-bay!” and high-fived Crowley. The quartet was seen at The Tombs, The Third Edition, and Old Glory.

“Michelle just called and asked where I was: I told her I was saluting Old Glory! Stop being a wuss Biden and have a real beer!” the President yelled across the tavern to the Vice President who was slowly sipping his third Buckler of the day.

Mr. Biden appeared to be the designated driver and nerd-hanger-on of the group.

California Goes Red Over Lack of Wine at “Beer Summit”

San Francisco, CA—

The electoral map has been turned on its head with four reliably Democratic states, led by California, now in play due to the lack of a wine offering at the Beer Summit being hosted at the White House by President Obama. The Beer Summit is a meeting between the President and Dr. Henry Louis Gates, Jr., a professor at Harvard, and Sgt. James Crowley, a Cambridge who arrested Dr. Gates at the scholar’s home on July 23.

“Duh people of Cah-lee-fornia will not stand for this!” said California’s Republican Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger.

California is America’s leading wine-producing state. It also has the greatest number of electoral votes. While President Obama would have still won the election without California’s 55 electoral votes, he would have had to spend more resources there and that may have had a greater impact. Had he lost all of the four leading wine producing states—the others being Washington, Oregon, and New York—he would have lost the electoral college to Senator John McCain 278-260.

Jennifer Montgomery, spokesperson for The National Association of American Wineries, said, “The President needs to be mindful of who elected him. It wasn’t godless, effete, beer-drinking Liberals! The godless, effete Liberals are Chardonnay-sipping!”

Washington Nationals Want a Do-Over

Washington, DC—

The owner of the Washington Nationals, Ted Lerner, today said he was officially asking Major League Baseball for “a do-over” as the non-waiver trade deadline approaches. “There is no way the Washington Nationals will ever be competitive given our history and current rosters and front-office staff,” Lerner said in a press conference at Nationals Park. “Therefore, the only logical way forward for the club and Major League Baseball is to declare a do-over with no backsies.”

The Nationals’ plan purportedly would be to declare all of the players on its current Major League roster and within its farm system free-agents and then re-hold an expansion draft for the team.

Peter Angelos, owner of the neighboring Baltimore Orioles franchise said, “Baseball has always sucked in DC. There were 70 Senators teams; they won a total of three pennants—the most recent being 1933—and one World Series during that time. Why would they think a do-over would solve the problem? Besides, I heard the ghost of Walter Johnson put the Goocher on them.”

The only other comment on this came from the Chicago Cubs, who released a statement that said, “We’ve sucked in one city longer than anyone. A do-over is not what the Nationals need. They need a cult-like, Yuppie fan base that doesn’t understand the game but instead buys into the cache of being a Nationals fan. It is a business model that has worked for us and will do so for the foreseeable future.”

Phelps Threatens to Boycott All Events Where Competitors Refuse to Lose

Rome, Italy--

Michael Phelps' coach said the 14-time Olympic gold medalist may not swim in any races where the other swimmers refuse to guarantee Phelps will win.

"Michael Phelps is the best swimmer in the world; everyone will ackowledge that," said Bob Bowman. "It is pointless for Michael to get into the pool unless that reality is proved in the end."

At these 2009 World Championships, Phelps lost a final in a major international event for the first time since 2005.

"While I suppose it's technically possible that the distractions involved with Michael's legal troubles in February and the resulting three month suspension might have resulted in him not being at the apex of his capabilities," Bowman said, "Michael should always win gold."

"And don't give me any of that crap about how Michael could have worn the same suit as the swimmer who beat him," Bowman continued, "Michael has sponsors who count on him wearing their suits. The other swimmer should have either worn Michael's suit or just slowed down."

Mark Spitz, the swimmer with the most gold medals in a single Olympics prior to Phelps, said when asked to comment, "Crazy Seventies moustache and long hair; let's see how Phelps swims like that."

Iowa State Raises Ante in Football Contracts: Offers Coach Combine Usage

Ames, IA--

Iowa State University amended Head Football Coach Paul Rhodes' contract to allow for 40 hours of personal use of a 2009 John Deere T670 Combine tractor. This change seems to be in response to the contract extension signed by The University of Iowa Head Football Coach Kirk Ferentz which included 35 hours of personal use of a university plane.

Jamie Pollard, ISU Athletics Director, said, "We have great faith in Coach Rhodes and think that our program is every bit as good and important as the program at Iowa. Just because we have appeared in only nine bowls in our history does not mean we can't compete with the Hawkeyes. We've won two of those games! Why, just four years ago we played in the prestigious EV1.net Houston Bowl. So while some may think we don't have the caliber of program today that can offer plane use, one of our alumni had generously offered the use of his relatively new combine.

"It's a sweet ride!" he continued, "Of course, Coach can't use it during harvest, but that's during the season anyway and the combine is something you'd want to roll out to impress the recruits."

Hannah Gonzalez Poll Numbers Down: 2036 Presidential Run in Jeopardy

Houston, TX--
Corpus Christi Elementary second grader Hannah Gonzalez's favorability ratings have dropped to 42% in the latest Gallup poll of likely Democratic candidates for the 2036 presidential nomination. Gallup's politics division is following the trend established in their basketball scouting subsidiary.

Her campaign manager, fifth grader Trevor Whitehall, said, "The American people and the students of Corpus Christi know Hannah's positions on the missle defense shield, immigration, and extended recess."

Ms. Gonzalez has been at the center of a whisper campaign for the 2036 nomination because of her poise, charisma, intelligence, Anglo-Hispanic heritage, and excellent penmenship.

Media Conservatives Want Proof That Obama Is Black

West Palm Beach, FL--
Rush Limbaugh on his nationally syndicated radio show said he was not only unconvinced by mounting evidence of Obama's birth in Hawaii, but wants the President to prove he is Black.

"Obama claims to have a Kenyan father, but have we ever seen that side of the family? We saw endless footage of his White mother, great-uncle, and grandmother during the election; but where was his African family? He claims his father died in a car accident; a likely story!"

Lou Dobbs echoed Limbaugh on his CNN show later in the evening. "We've never heard him use '-izzle' at the end of words, he doesn't wear gold rope necklaces, his suits aren't from SeanJohn: It's obvious. Granted he has admited using drugs and he does play basketball, but that's just part of his con."

On the Laura Ingram show, the host said, "Why doesn't he just start refering to the First Lady as 'his bitch' and to Hillary as his 'ho' to prove to us he is Black?"

Alan Keyes was unavailable for comment, but he did issues a press release stating, "He's no brotha, fuh-shizzle!"

Microsoft Releases Latest Patches for Yet-to-Be-Released Windows 7

Redmond, WA—

Microsoft today announced it was releasing seven “hot-fixes” for its Windows 7 operating system which is scheduled for release on October 22. These patches are in addition to the fifteen released to date. When asked about the ground-breaking move of releasing fixes to an operating system no one has yet, Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer said, “Microsoft is committed to giving its consumers the most secure Windows operating system ever.”

“But we are also committed to profits,” Ballmer continued. “And after the fiasco with that last version-which-must-not-be-named, we thought about what people have said about our operating systems. We have consistently heard that people won’t install a new version of Windows until it is at least at Service Pack 1. So our plan is to continue to release small fixes to the bugs and security vulnerabilities we always have up until October 21. By that time we should have enough of them to release a Service Pack, thus encouraging people to install it on the release launch date.”

When asked to respond to the Microsoft new, Apple CEO Steve Jobs said, “Apple has consistently had better, virus-free operating systems. That a virus which affects Macs would only bring a couple of university computer labs to their knees is irrelevant to why we have been so virus-free. We’re cooler and I look far better in a mock turtle-neck—even when I am dying of cancer—than that slob Ballmer.”

Wisconsinite Changes Politics: Realizes Global Warming May Thaw “Frozen Tundra”

Green Bay, WI—

A life-long conservative Republican from Sheboygan changed his party affiliation today when he realized that, if true, global warming could thaw the famed “Frozen Tundra” of Lambeau Field.

“I joined those guys in the Green Party because, even though I don’t believe that Liberal hoo-ha, we can’t risk the Frozen Tundra,” said Art Posanski at his hastily called press conference at the Mead Public Library. “I call on my fellow Republicans…er, former fellow Republicans, to realize we gotta do this.”

When asked how he came to this epiphany, Art responded, “It has nothing to do with the Catholic Church; I just suddenly put it all together. What do them tree-huggers say is the biggest cause of the pollution that is supposed to cause this stuff? Driving our SUVs that we need to haul our boats and Waverunners and snowmobiles to our cabins up Nort’. And other than those terrorists, who has all of the oil? Those Cowgirls in Dallas! They’re just trying to get back at us for kicking their butts in 1967!”

“We should have seen it when they beat us in Week 3 last year. Yeah, it was only mid-September, but it should have been at least ten-below-zero with a wind chill of forty-below like it normally is then. I figured they won because Brett [Favre], that traitor, was gone. But then I thought about how Tony Homo was able to throw that touchdown pass into double coverage in the fourth quarter: No way could he do that if the Frozen Tundra was still frozen!”

Al Weisenberg, Art’s childhood friend and the proprietor of the Bottoms Up Tavern commented after the press conference, “I thought Art had had one too many Jager-bombs when he told me what he was doing, but he makes a lot of sense. Vince [Lombardi] would never stand for this. He’d demand we do something.”

Rumors that SUV sales spiked in Minneapolis and Chicago after the press conference have not been confirmed.

MLB Orders All Batters to Wear Single, Sequined Batting Glove to Honor Michael Jackson

New York--
Major League Baseball will honor the memory of the late pop superstar Michael Jackson by issuing sequined batting gloves to all of its players for games played today. "We felt it was the least we could do as the nation struggles with the death of the King of Pop," said MLB Commissioner Bud Selig. "So many people were touched by his music and fashion sense. Really, who didn't own a red, leather zipper jacket in the '80s? Since we already issue colored sweatbands for breast and prostate cancer research, we thought the glove was a good idea."

Alex Rodriguez, star of the New York Yankees said, "It was such a shock to hear of his death. I mean, at one time he was bigger than Madonna, who I'm just friends with. I think the sequined glove is just the kind of honor he deserves."

"And, I mean," he continued, "think of all of the great Jacksons who played baseball: Reggie Jackson, Shoeless Joe Jackson, Darrin Jackson--who was an under-rated outfielder--Michael could have been one of them. We owe it to him for what he gave to us."

Reports that the Los Angeles Dodgers will "moonwalk" to first base on all walks for the rest of the season cannot be confirmed at this time.