Obama, Biden, Gates, and Crowley Go Bar-hopping After Summit

Washington, DC—

President Obama, Vice President Biden, Dr. Henry Louis Gates, Jr., and Sgt. James Crowley were seen together in several Georgetown drinking establishments last night after their “Beer Summit” yesterday.

When asked what they were doing, Gates responded, “Bar-hopping, bay-bay!” and high-fived Crowley. The quartet was seen at The Tombs, The Third Edition, and Old Glory.

“Michelle just called and asked where I was: I told her I was saluting Old Glory! Stop being a wuss Biden and have a real beer!” the President yelled across the tavern to the Vice President who was slowly sipping his third Buckler of the day.

Mr. Biden appeared to be the designated driver and nerd-hanger-on of the group.

California Goes Red Over Lack of Wine at “Beer Summit”

San Francisco, CA—

The electoral map has been turned on its head with four reliably Democratic states, led by California, now in play due to the lack of a wine offering at the Beer Summit being hosted at the White House by President Obama. The Beer Summit is a meeting between the President and Dr. Henry Louis Gates, Jr., a professor at Harvard, and Sgt. James Crowley, a Cambridge who arrested Dr. Gates at the scholar’s home on July 23.

“Duh people of Cah-lee-fornia will not stand for this!” said California’s Republican Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger.

California is America’s leading wine-producing state. It also has the greatest number of electoral votes. While President Obama would have still won the election without California’s 55 electoral votes, he would have had to spend more resources there and that may have had a greater impact. Had he lost all of the four leading wine producing states—the others being Washington, Oregon, and New York—he would have lost the electoral college to Senator John McCain 278-260.

Jennifer Montgomery, spokesperson for The National Association of American Wineries, said, “The President needs to be mindful of who elected him. It wasn’t godless, effete, beer-drinking Liberals! The godless, effete Liberals are Chardonnay-sipping!”

Washington Nationals Want a Do-Over

Washington, DC—

The owner of the Washington Nationals, Ted Lerner, today said he was officially asking Major League Baseball for “a do-over” as the non-waiver trade deadline approaches. “There is no way the Washington Nationals will ever be competitive given our history and current rosters and front-office staff,” Lerner said in a press conference at Nationals Park. “Therefore, the only logical way forward for the club and Major League Baseball is to declare a do-over with no backsies.”

The Nationals’ plan purportedly would be to declare all of the players on its current Major League roster and within its farm system free-agents and then re-hold an expansion draft for the team.

Peter Angelos, owner of the neighboring Baltimore Orioles franchise said, “Baseball has always sucked in DC. There were 70 Senators teams; they won a total of three pennants—the most recent being 1933—and one World Series during that time. Why would they think a do-over would solve the problem? Besides, I heard the ghost of Walter Johnson put the Goocher on them.”

The only other comment on this came from the Chicago Cubs, who released a statement that said, “We’ve sucked in one city longer than anyone. A do-over is not what the Nationals need. They need a cult-like, Yuppie fan base that doesn’t understand the game but instead buys into the cache of being a Nationals fan. It is a business model that has worked for us and will do so for the foreseeable future.”

Phelps Threatens to Boycott All Events Where Competitors Refuse to Lose

Rome, Italy--

Michael Phelps' coach said the 14-time Olympic gold medalist may not swim in any races where the other swimmers refuse to guarantee Phelps will win.

"Michael Phelps is the best swimmer in the world; everyone will ackowledge that," said Bob Bowman. "It is pointless for Michael to get into the pool unless that reality is proved in the end."

At these 2009 World Championships, Phelps lost a final in a major international event for the first time since 2005.

"While I suppose it's technically possible that the distractions involved with Michael's legal troubles in February and the resulting three month suspension might have resulted in him not being at the apex of his capabilities," Bowman said, "Michael should always win gold."

"And don't give me any of that crap about how Michael could have worn the same suit as the swimmer who beat him," Bowman continued, "Michael has sponsors who count on him wearing their suits. The other swimmer should have either worn Michael's suit or just slowed down."

Mark Spitz, the swimmer with the most gold medals in a single Olympics prior to Phelps, said when asked to comment, "Crazy Seventies moustache and long hair; let's see how Phelps swims like that."

Iowa State Raises Ante in Football Contracts: Offers Coach Combine Usage

Ames, IA--

Iowa State University amended Head Football Coach Paul Rhodes' contract to allow for 40 hours of personal use of a 2009 John Deere T670 Combine tractor. This change seems to be in response to the contract extension signed by The University of Iowa Head Football Coach Kirk Ferentz which included 35 hours of personal use of a university plane.

Jamie Pollard, ISU Athletics Director, said, "We have great faith in Coach Rhodes and think that our program is every bit as good and important as the program at Iowa. Just because we have appeared in only nine bowls in our history does not mean we can't compete with the Hawkeyes. We've won two of those games! Why, just four years ago we played in the prestigious EV1.net Houston Bowl. So while some may think we don't have the caliber of program today that can offer plane use, one of our alumni had generously offered the use of his relatively new combine.

"It's a sweet ride!" he continued, "Of course, Coach can't use it during harvest, but that's during the season anyway and the combine is something you'd want to roll out to impress the recruits."

Hannah Gonzalez Poll Numbers Down: 2036 Presidential Run in Jeopardy

Houston, TX--
Corpus Christi Elementary second grader Hannah Gonzalez's favorability ratings have dropped to 42% in the latest Gallup poll of likely Democratic candidates for the 2036 presidential nomination. Gallup's politics division is following the trend established in their basketball scouting subsidiary.

Her campaign manager, fifth grader Trevor Whitehall, said, "The American people and the students of Corpus Christi know Hannah's positions on the missle defense shield, immigration, and extended recess."

Ms. Gonzalez has been at the center of a whisper campaign for the 2036 nomination because of her poise, charisma, intelligence, Anglo-Hispanic heritage, and excellent penmenship.

Media Conservatives Want Proof That Obama Is Black

West Palm Beach, FL--
Rush Limbaugh on his nationally syndicated radio show said he was not only unconvinced by mounting evidence of Obama's birth in Hawaii, but wants the President to prove he is Black.

"Obama claims to have a Kenyan father, but have we ever seen that side of the family? We saw endless footage of his White mother, great-uncle, and grandmother during the election; but where was his African family? He claims his father died in a car accident; a likely story!"

Lou Dobbs echoed Limbaugh on his CNN show later in the evening. "We've never heard him use '-izzle' at the end of words, he doesn't wear gold rope necklaces, his suits aren't from SeanJohn: It's obvious. Granted he has admited using drugs and he does play basketball, but that's just part of his con."

On the Laura Ingram show, the host said, "Why doesn't he just start refering to the First Lady as 'his bitch' and to Hillary as his 'ho' to prove to us he is Black?"

Alan Keyes was unavailable for comment, but he did issues a press release stating, "He's no brotha, fuh-shizzle!"

Microsoft Releases Latest Patches for Yet-to-Be-Released Windows 7

Redmond, WA—

Microsoft today announced it was releasing seven “hot-fixes” for its Windows 7 operating system which is scheduled for release on October 22. These patches are in addition to the fifteen released to date. When asked about the ground-breaking move of releasing fixes to an operating system no one has yet, Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer said, “Microsoft is committed to giving its consumers the most secure Windows operating system ever.”

“But we are also committed to profits,” Ballmer continued. “And after the fiasco with that last version-which-must-not-be-named, we thought about what people have said about our operating systems. We have consistently heard that people won’t install a new version of Windows until it is at least at Service Pack 1. So our plan is to continue to release small fixes to the bugs and security vulnerabilities we always have up until October 21. By that time we should have enough of them to release a Service Pack, thus encouraging people to install it on the release launch date.”

When asked to respond to the Microsoft new, Apple CEO Steve Jobs said, “Apple has consistently had better, virus-free operating systems. That a virus which affects Macs would only bring a couple of university computer labs to their knees is irrelevant to why we have been so virus-free. We’re cooler and I look far better in a mock turtle-neck—even when I am dying of cancer—than that slob Ballmer.”

Wisconsinite Changes Politics: Realizes Global Warming May Thaw “Frozen Tundra”

Green Bay, WI—

A life-long conservative Republican from Sheboygan changed his party affiliation today when he realized that, if true, global warming could thaw the famed “Frozen Tundra” of Lambeau Field.

“I joined those guys in the Green Party because, even though I don’t believe that Liberal hoo-ha, we can’t risk the Frozen Tundra,” said Art Posanski at his hastily called press conference at the Mead Public Library. “I call on my fellow Republicans…er, former fellow Republicans, to realize we gotta do this.”

When asked how he came to this epiphany, Art responded, “It has nothing to do with the Catholic Church; I just suddenly put it all together. What do them tree-huggers say is the biggest cause of the pollution that is supposed to cause this stuff? Driving our SUVs that we need to haul our boats and Waverunners and snowmobiles to our cabins up Nort’. And other than those terrorists, who has all of the oil? Those Cowgirls in Dallas! They’re just trying to get back at us for kicking their butts in 1967!”

“We should have seen it when they beat us in Week 3 last year. Yeah, it was only mid-September, but it should have been at least ten-below-zero with a wind chill of forty-below like it normally is then. I figured they won because Brett [Favre], that traitor, was gone. But then I thought about how Tony Homo was able to throw that touchdown pass into double coverage in the fourth quarter: No way could he do that if the Frozen Tundra was still frozen!”

Al Weisenberg, Art’s childhood friend and the proprietor of the Bottoms Up Tavern commented after the press conference, “I thought Art had had one too many Jager-bombs when he told me what he was doing, but he makes a lot of sense. Vince [Lombardi] would never stand for this. He’d demand we do something.”

Rumors that SUV sales spiked in Minneapolis and Chicago after the press conference have not been confirmed.

MLB Orders All Batters to Wear Single, Sequined Batting Glove to Honor Michael Jackson

New York--
Major League Baseball will honor the memory of the late pop superstar Michael Jackson by issuing sequined batting gloves to all of its players for games played today. "We felt it was the least we could do as the nation struggles with the death of the King of Pop," said MLB Commissioner Bud Selig. "So many people were touched by his music and fashion sense. Really, who didn't own a red, leather zipper jacket in the '80s? Since we already issue colored sweatbands for breast and prostate cancer research, we thought the glove was a good idea."

Alex Rodriguez, star of the New York Yankees said, "It was such a shock to hear of his death. I mean, at one time he was bigger than Madonna, who I'm just friends with. I think the sequined glove is just the kind of honor he deserves."

"And, I mean," he continued, "think of all of the great Jacksons who played baseball: Reggie Jackson, Shoeless Joe Jackson, Darrin Jackson--who was an under-rated outfielder--Michael could have been one of them. We owe it to him for what he gave to us."

Reports that the Los Angeles Dodgers will "moonwalk" to first base on all walks for the rest of the season cannot be confirmed at this time.