Washington Nationals Want a Do-Over

Washington, DC—

The owner of the Washington Nationals, Ted Lerner, today said he was officially asking Major League Baseball for “a do-over” as the non-waiver trade deadline approaches. “There is no way the Washington Nationals will ever be competitive given our history and current rosters and front-office staff,” Lerner said in a press conference at Nationals Park. “Therefore, the only logical way forward for the club and Major League Baseball is to declare a do-over with no backsies.”

The Nationals’ plan purportedly would be to declare all of the players on its current Major League roster and within its farm system free-agents and then re-hold an expansion draft for the team.

Peter Angelos, owner of the neighboring Baltimore Orioles franchise said, “Baseball has always sucked in DC. There were 70 Senators teams; they won a total of three pennants—the most recent being 1933—and one World Series during that time. Why would they think a do-over would solve the problem? Besides, I heard the ghost of Walter Johnson put the Goocher on them.”

The only other comment on this came from the Chicago Cubs, who released a statement that said, “We’ve sucked in one city longer than anyone. A do-over is not what the Nationals need. They need a cult-like, Yuppie fan base that doesn’t understand the game but instead buys into the cache of being a Nationals fan. It is a business model that has worked for us and will do so for the foreseeable future.”