Anchorage, AK--
Former Governor Sarah Palin (R-AK) today said that if the government was keen on setting up death panels in the health care reform legislation, she would volunteer for those that involved shooting wolves from helicopters.
"What can I say; I like shooting animals from helicopters," she said.
Ms. Palin has been a major proponent of the idea that the health care reform legislation in Congress would create death panels that would have the power to terminate health care to those deemed too sick.
"While I would never kill your grandma, I am all about shooting things! It really doesn't matter what it is, I just want to pump it full of lead. I can understand why Vice President Cheney shot that guy in the face. Can you imagine the rush he must have felt? Woo hoo!"
When asked to comment on Ms. Palin's reference to him, former Vice President Cheney merely issued an evil chuckle and returned to waterboarding a squirrel.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Michelle Obama Should Wear Formal, Not Surgical, Gown for Pap Smear Says Republican
Minneapolis, MN--
Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-MN) today criticized First Lady Michelle Obama for not wearing a formal gown to her latest Pap test.
"This is yet another example of the First Lady not knowing the bounds of class and decorum," said Rep. Bachmann. "She showed way too much skin, yet again. Americans need to demand more of their politicians' wives.
"First she had bare arms on the campaign trail, then bare legs while on vacation, and now this! It is absolutely disgusting! Nancy Reagan used to go to her gynocolgical appointments in Bill Blass."
The White House responded that the First Lady was proud of both her country and of her toned body and that she would continue to wear event appropriate attire.
When asked to comment on Rep. Bachmann's comments about class, the spokesperson declined to comment for the record, but off the record suggested we ask MSNBC's Chris Matthews about Ms. Bachmann's record for class.
Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-MN) today criticized First Lady Michelle Obama for not wearing a formal gown to her latest Pap test.
"This is yet another example of the First Lady not knowing the bounds of class and decorum," said Rep. Bachmann. "She showed way too much skin, yet again. Americans need to demand more of their politicians' wives.
"First she had bare arms on the campaign trail, then bare legs while on vacation, and now this! It is absolutely disgusting! Nancy Reagan used to go to her gynocolgical appointments in Bill Blass."
The White House responded that the First Lady was proud of both her country and of her toned body and that she would continue to wear event appropriate attire.
When asked to comment on Rep. Bachmann's comments about class, the spokesperson declined to comment for the record, but off the record suggested we ask MSNBC's Chris Matthews about Ms. Bachmann's record for class.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Man Irate That Escalator to Health Club Out of Order
Salt Lake City, UT--
A Sandy man was removed by police from a local health club today when he attacked workers there because the escalator leading to the club was broken.
Jacob Johnson, 36, repeatedly shouted obscenities and threw pamphlets at the front desk workers when they refused to refund his monthly parking pass when he complained about the escalator not working.
"He kept saying that he was paying thousands of dollars a year for an exclusive club and that we owed him a refund for a broken escalator," Heidi Christiansen, a Total Health & Fitness employee said. "He said, 'Just give me the damn money so I can do my Stairmaster workout and go home.'"
When asked for comment when being taken away, Johnson said, "I have to park a mile away and then have to take the stairs to get in; I don't have time for that crap."
A Sandy man was removed by police from a local health club today when he attacked workers there because the escalator leading to the club was broken.
Jacob Johnson, 36, repeatedly shouted obscenities and threw pamphlets at the front desk workers when they refused to refund his monthly parking pass when he complained about the escalator not working.
"He kept saying that he was paying thousands of dollars a year for an exclusive club and that we owed him a refund for a broken escalator," Heidi Christiansen, a Total Health & Fitness employee said. "He said, 'Just give me the damn money so I can do my Stairmaster workout and go home.'"
When asked for comment when being taken away, Johnson said, "I have to park a mile away and then have to take the stairs to get in; I don't have time for that crap."
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
World Population 7B in 2010; 8B If Octo-mom and Kate Goslin Dating
Washington, DC--
The Population Reference Bureau issued a paper indicating that the world's population will surpass seven billion people in the year 2010.
Carl Haub, co-author of the report, did offer one unofficial caveat. "The number could actually be eight billion if Octo-mom and Kate Goslin get pregnant a couple of times. Those ladies pop 'em out!"
When pressed that the two women would unlikely have one billion children between them, Haub said, "Well, obviously, it's not just the two of them. There's that Duggar lady with eighteen kids already, and her kids are starting to have kids so it is within the realm of mathematical possibility."
The Population Reference Bureau issued a paper indicating that the world's population will surpass seven billion people in the year 2010.
Carl Haub, co-author of the report, did offer one unofficial caveat. "The number could actually be eight billion if Octo-mom and Kate Goslin get pregnant a couple of times. Those ladies pop 'em out!"
When pressed that the two women would unlikely have one billion children between them, Haub said, "Well, obviously, it's not just the two of them. There's that Duggar lady with eighteen kids already, and her kids are starting to have kids so it is within the realm of mathematical possibility."
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Albuquerque Man Wants Sick Care, Not Health Care
Albuquerque, NM--
The vitriol at town hall meetings came to Albuquerque today when local machinist, Trevor White, shouted down Rep. Martin Heinrich at the Armenian Cultural Association.
"You commies are trying to destroy America!" Mr. White yelled at Mr. Heinrich. "You Democrats are always trying to spend my hard earned money on free loaders. You'll end up killing my grandmother with one of your death panels!"
After the meeting, Mr. White said, "We don't need health care reform. Everyone I know can take care of themselves just fine when they have their health. It's when they're sick that they need care! But no one is talking about that are they?"
When asked for clarification about his "death panels" comment, Mr. White said he didn't want a bunch of faceless, nameless government bureaucrats deciding what medical treatments his grandmother could have.
"Nana has enough trouble getting her insurance company to approve all of the medications her doctor prescribes--not that she can afford all of them! We don't need the government getting their noses in it, too. The government has never done anything right!
"Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go get Nana's Social Security check from her box at the post office."
The vitriol at town hall meetings came to Albuquerque today when local machinist, Trevor White, shouted down Rep. Martin Heinrich at the Armenian Cultural Association.
"You commies are trying to destroy America!" Mr. White yelled at Mr. Heinrich. "You Democrats are always trying to spend my hard earned money on free loaders. You'll end up killing my grandmother with one of your death panels!"
After the meeting, Mr. White said, "We don't need health care reform. Everyone I know can take care of themselves just fine when they have their health. It's when they're sick that they need care! But no one is talking about that are they?"
When asked for clarification about his "death panels" comment, Mr. White said he didn't want a bunch of faceless, nameless government bureaucrats deciding what medical treatments his grandmother could have.
"Nana has enough trouble getting her insurance company to approve all of the medications her doctor prescribes--not that she can afford all of them! We don't need the government getting their noses in it, too. The government has never done anything right!
"Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go get Nana's Social Security check from her box at the post office."
Monday, August 10, 2009
Obama Says G.I. Joe Movie Will Be Basis For New "War on Terror" Strategy
Washington, DC--
President Obama made a major announcement in the American strategy to fight the so-called "War on Terror" saying that he'd seen the new G.I. Joe movie and that the gear and strategy used to fight C.O.B.R.A. were exactly what the U.S. needs to find and defeat Al Qaeda.
"That was some kick-ass stuff!" said Mr. Obama. "If George Bush could base our strategy on a T.V. show, we can definitely do better with a movie."
When asked for comment, former Bush political strategist Karl Rove said, "24 didn't suck, though."
President Obama made a major announcement in the American strategy to fight the so-called "War on Terror" saying that he'd seen the new G.I. Joe movie and that the gear and strategy used to fight C.O.B.R.A. were exactly what the U.S. needs to find and defeat Al Qaeda.
"That was some kick-ass stuff!" said Mr. Obama. "If George Bush could base our strategy on a T.V. show, we can definitely do better with a movie."
When asked for comment, former Bush political strategist Karl Rove said, "24 didn't suck, though."
Friday, August 7, 2009
Pujols Hits First Ever Bases-Empty Grand Slam
Pittsburgh, PA--
St. Louis Cardinals first baseman, Albert Pujols, hit baseball's first ever bases-empty grand slam in tonight's 6-4 win against the Pittsburgh Pirates.
"He's just the best in the game; that's all there is to it," said Pirates manager, John Russell.
"We were down by three when he led off the top of the eighth and I told him, 'Just hit it solidly, you can't put us ahead with one swing of the bat,'" said Cardinals manager, Tony LaRussa. "Boy, did he prove me wrong!"
"I just try to help the club any way I can," Pujols said after the game.
"So many people have said he can do anything in baseball," said LaRussa, "I guess he just proved it."
St. Louis Cardinals first baseman, Albert Pujols, hit baseball's first ever bases-empty grand slam in tonight's 6-4 win against the Pittsburgh Pirates.
"He's just the best in the game; that's all there is to it," said Pirates manager, John Russell.
"We were down by three when he led off the top of the eighth and I told him, 'Just hit it solidly, you can't put us ahead with one swing of the bat,'" said Cardinals manager, Tony LaRussa. "Boy, did he prove me wrong!"
"I just try to help the club any way I can," Pujols said after the game.
"So many people have said he can do anything in baseball," said LaRussa, "I guess he just proved it."
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Unemployed Economist Declares Recession Over
Atlanta, GA--
Economist Dale Sveum today said that the recession that has gripped the American economy for over a year is now officially over. Sveum, who had been laid-off from his job at Atlanta Life Financial Group in November said that all of the economic indicators pointed to an end of economic contraction in August.
"We should see our first quarter of economic growth, or at the very least stability, in the next three months thus signalling the end of the recession," said Dr. Sveum at a press conference at the Adamsville-Collier Heights branch of the Atlanta-Fulton Public library.
Dr. Sveum, who received his PhD from Harvard, has had "a lot of time recently" to thoroughly study the economic trends.
"Every day, I walk here form the homeless shelter and read The Wall Street Journal, The Financial Times, and The Economist, as well as use the public access computers to examine the relevant information. That, and apply for jobs. I can unequivocally say the worst is over."
He concluded his remarks saying, "I have copies of my resume here if anyone wants one or knows someone who has an opening."
Economist Dale Sveum today said that the recession that has gripped the American economy for over a year is now officially over. Sveum, who had been laid-off from his job at Atlanta Life Financial Group in November said that all of the economic indicators pointed to an end of economic contraction in August.
"We should see our first quarter of economic growth, or at the very least stability, in the next three months thus signalling the end of the recession," said Dr. Sveum at a press conference at the Adamsville-Collier Heights branch of the Atlanta-Fulton Public library.
Dr. Sveum, who received his PhD from Harvard, has had "a lot of time recently" to thoroughly study the economic trends.
"Every day, I walk here form the homeless shelter and read The Wall Street Journal, The Financial Times, and The Economist, as well as use the public access computers to examine the relevant information. That, and apply for jobs. I can unequivocally say the worst is over."
He concluded his remarks saying, "I have copies of my resume here if anyone wants one or knows someone who has an opening."
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Paula Abdul Quits American Idol; Joins Sarah Palin in Higher Purpose
Los Angeles, CA—
Paula Abdul announced today that she was leaving the popular American Idol TV show to join former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin in “that higher calling stuff.”
“You know,” said Abdul, “American Idol is important and all that, but I just felt something was missing. And Sarah seems so smart and hot in that naughty-librarian sort of way. I just thought that teaming up with her in whatever she’s doing sounded like so much fun.”
“She was so right about everything in her farewell speech,” Abdul continued, “The media does make stuff up! I mean, like I’d ever hook up with Corey Clark—Eew! And I want to fight for what is right and the truth and stuff like that, too!”
When asked to comment governor Palin said, “That is so cool! She is so my BFF! I am so looking forward to working with someone who is involved with a campaign that received as many or more votes last year than I did.”
After that statement, an aide whispered in her ear and Ms. Palin was heard to respond, “What do you mean she’s not going to be on TV anymore!?”
Paula Abdul announced today that she was leaving the popular American Idol TV show to join former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin in “that higher calling stuff.”
“You know,” said Abdul, “American Idol is important and all that, but I just felt something was missing. And Sarah seems so smart and hot in that naughty-librarian sort of way. I just thought that teaming up with her in whatever she’s doing sounded like so much fun.”
“She was so right about everything in her farewell speech,” Abdul continued, “The media does make stuff up! I mean, like I’d ever hook up with Corey Clark—Eew! And I want to fight for what is right and the truth and stuff like that, too!”
When asked to comment governor Palin said, “That is so cool! She is so my BFF! I am so looking forward to working with someone who is involved with a campaign that received as many or more votes last year than I did.”
After that statement, an aide whispered in her ear and Ms. Palin was heard to respond, “What do you mean she’s not going to be on TV anymore!?”
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Fmr. President Clinton Frees Journalists; Looks For Dates
Pyongyang, North Korea—
Former President Clinton today secured the release of two American journalists who had been held by the North Korean government on espionage charges. The journalists, Euna Lee and Laura Ling, had been arrested near the Sino-Korean border while working for Current TV, a company founded by Mr. Clinton’s former vice president, Al Gore.
“I am so glad that I was able to continue to serve these two great American citizens in this way,” Mr. Clinton said at a press conference in Pyongyang.
To secure the journalists release, Mr. Clinton met personally with North Korean leader Kim Jong Il. When asked about the meeting, Mr. Clinton responded, “Everyone told me he was a crazy old coot, but in fact he helped me with both of my goals for this trip. In addition to releasing the journalists, Kim hooked me up with these two freaky-deaky little Korean girls. It is so much harder to get tail when you aren’t the president anymore—easier to get away with, but harder to get. Plus, I had never been with an Asian girl before.”
“Man, did we have fun!” Clinton continued. “They were able to do things that I didn’t even know were possible! Kim can hook me up anyday!”
Former President Clinton today secured the release of two American journalists who had been held by the North Korean government on espionage charges. The journalists, Euna Lee and Laura Ling, had been arrested near the Sino-Korean border while working for Current TV, a company founded by Mr. Clinton’s former vice president, Al Gore.
“I am so glad that I was able to continue to serve these two great American citizens in this way,” Mr. Clinton said at a press conference in Pyongyang.
To secure the journalists release, Mr. Clinton met personally with North Korean leader Kim Jong Il. When asked about the meeting, Mr. Clinton responded, “Everyone told me he was a crazy old coot, but in fact he helped me with both of my goals for this trip. In addition to releasing the journalists, Kim hooked me up with these two freaky-deaky little Korean girls. It is so much harder to get tail when you aren’t the president anymore—easier to get away with, but harder to get. Plus, I had never been with an Asian girl before.”
“Man, did we have fun!” Clinton continued. “They were able to do things that I didn’t even know were possible! Kim can hook me up anyday!”
Monday, August 3, 2009
Iran’s Supreme Leader Endorses Sheep Herder for Presidency
Tehran, Iran—
In a surprise move today, Iran’s Supreme Leader, Ayatollah Ali Khameini, endorsed a sheep herder from Razavi Khorasan province as his choice for the presidency of Iran, reversing his endorsement of current president Ahmadinejad hours earlier.
“Hafiz Omidifar is the man to lead the Islamic Republic of Iran at this critical stage in its history,” said Khameini. “He has no ties to the Western imperialists, has not attempted to foment treason against the state, and does not claim that Imam Mahdi has returned to guide his actions. Plus his wife Shirina’s kabobs are to die for. They are so tender and wonderfully seasoned.” Omidifar then embraced Khameini and kissed his hand as a show of fealty.
Omidifar said, “If the supporters of the Zionists can elect the grandson of a goat herder to lead them, the great Iranian people can be led by an actual sheep herder.” Ahmadinejad was seen pouting in the corner and talking to a sock puppet on his left hand, but did not comment.
Omidifar, who has held no prior political office, did not comment on how his rule might be different than Ahmadinejad’s. The Iranian Parliament still must officially elect the president.
Opposition leaders Mir Hossein Mousavi and Mahdi Karroubi and former presidents Akbar Hashemi Rafsanjani and Mohammad Khatami could not be reached for comment, but the spokesman for the government said they were “together on a business trip” and “likely may not be heard from for some time.”
In a surprise move today, Iran’s Supreme Leader, Ayatollah Ali Khameini, endorsed a sheep herder from Razavi Khorasan province as his choice for the presidency of Iran, reversing his endorsement of current president Ahmadinejad hours earlier.
“Hafiz Omidifar is the man to lead the Islamic Republic of Iran at this critical stage in its history,” said Khameini. “He has no ties to the Western imperialists, has not attempted to foment treason against the state, and does not claim that Imam Mahdi has returned to guide his actions. Plus his wife Shirina’s kabobs are to die for. They are so tender and wonderfully seasoned.” Omidifar then embraced Khameini and kissed his hand as a show of fealty.
Omidifar said, “If the supporters of the Zionists can elect the grandson of a goat herder to lead them, the great Iranian people can be led by an actual sheep herder.” Ahmadinejad was seen pouting in the corner and talking to a sock puppet on his left hand, but did not comment.
Omidifar, who has held no prior political office, did not comment on how his rule might be different than Ahmadinejad’s. The Iranian Parliament still must officially elect the president.
Opposition leaders Mir Hossein Mousavi and Mahdi Karroubi and former presidents Akbar Hashemi Rafsanjani and Mohammad Khatami could not be reached for comment, but the spokesman for the government said they were “together on a business trip” and “likely may not be heard from for some time.”
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